This week I spoke with A Pregnant Light mastermind Damian. In case you have been living under a rock for the last 8 years Damian has been writing, recording and producing some of the most forward thinking Black metal here in the USA – read on and find out what drives him.
* You have been doing A Pregnant Light since what? 2009 ? right? so what drives you to be so prolific after so long?
Yeah, the project started around that time, but it’s been going on in my mind for a few years previous to that. I was doing other musical projects, and when those ceased, I realized that the only way to not be let down was to just be solo. As far as being prolific, that’s an interesting term. I don’t think I’m prolific. There are a lot of bands and musicians who just record and release whatever comes to their mind. I don’t do that. I like to have concept and execution pulled together cohesively, at least in my estimation of what that is. I don’t really want to postulate on why someone does or doesn’t do something, I can only speak for myself. I write music. I think about music. It’s what I do. It’s second nature to me. It is just who I am. I write songs. For me, it’s just my lifestyle.
I view this whole thing as a marathon, and to get to the finish line you have to put in the work. You have to work hard and create. For all the projects and music I have released, there is so much more inside of me. There are only so many hours in a day, and doing it alone is a challenge. Every day I feel like I’m running out of time. I know tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I just want to leave behind a legacy of quality music that means something and can survive beyond my life. Making music is a gift, but it isn’t something to be taken for granted. You have to work at it. Make it better. So, I think the best way to honor this gift is to keep at it, and continue to stretch yourself and challenge yourself. I don’t want to reach the end of my life and stand before God and have him say that I didn’t give it my everything. I want to use every bit of this small seed that was planted in me.
* So what does the name “A Pregnant Light” actually mean?
I have always shied away from answering this question in the past. I think too many things are explained and there needs to be a sense of mystery. I don’t think I’ll ever go into detail describing that my lyrics actually mean, because it is important that the people who care enough to ask dig into them and pull their own meaning. Whatever that may be, if you come to that meaning, then it is valid. I don’t want my interpretation to change what it means to you. But, I suppose I can explain the name of the project, since I did recently in a private conversation when I was contacted with this same question.
It has to do with the music, which is very masculine, and strong and brave being mixed with the sacred feminine. I am fascinated with the idea of pregnancy, and what it means to women, especially as a man- since it’s something I cannot do (carry a child). Pregnancy is almost universally regarded as miraculous and beautiful, so I wanted to pair that with the music that I make out of loss, pain and my expression as a man, a strong man, to have that other side represented. It has to do with the occult in the truest sense of the word: mystery. The mystery of sex, God, creation and life.
I have zero audio training and no prior experience, I am totally self-taught, through much pain and struggle.
* My understanding is that most of your albums are self produced – are you self taught ? or did you go to audio engineering school? What advice if any can you give kids who want to get into recording and producing their own music?
Yes, all my music is self-produced. I did use a studio and studio musicians on my full-length LP, and I imagine I will continue on in that vein for the future, but for everything else, I am the the artist and engineer. I have zero audio training and no prior experience, I am totally self-taught, through much pain and struggle. I love the process of writing and building the song, but I really loathe recording as a process. I enjoy playing, but to make it sound the way I want, I hate that part. I’m never happy with my work. I think I’ve gotten a bit better over the last twenty or so releases with APL, and it should be noted that I have the exact same recording equipment as the day I started. So, any increase in sonic fidelity or production technique isn’t due to new gear, it’s just learning to better use what I have.
I think that is a very important point. So many people, especially musicians like guitarists, think that if they chase this mythical tone by getting a different guitar, or amp, or pedal, that they’ll be closer to their ideal. For the most part, that’s totally false. I have a very nice, but very simple guitar rig. No effects, just guitar a cable and an amp. So, with those few tools, you have nothing to hide behind. Any sort of effect on the recording is all done in post-production. It’s not necessary to the song, but of course, I use it sparingly to add to the atmosphere. If you strip it all away, you won’t find that it’s much different. I believe strongly in taking a simple thing as far as you can take it.
I don’t think I will ever reach a point where the guitar won’t fascinate, intrigue and thrill me. I don’t want to muddy it or get caught up in distractions. Simplicity is truly the essence of all that I do, from a gear perspective. Musically of course, things get very complicated, but it is important to have that firm foundation. I really don’t feel qualified or anything to give advice on recording or producing your own music. As I mentioned, it’s my least favorite part of the process, but I can’t rely on anyone else and no one wants to work as hard and as much as I do on my vision. It’s understandable. If I could afford it, I would just pay for studio time and an engineer to have at my beck and call, so I could just focus on the music, and not the capturing of the music.
My advice to anyone is simply: do it. Just get involved and do it. Don’t make excuses, and embrace your limitations. Creativity will find a way if you work at it. Use whatever you have. The hardest part is starting. Start today.
* After all these years what would you say is still your biggest hurdle in creating new music?
That’s a great question – certainly I am my own worst enemy. I don’t have bandmates or creative partners to blame. This is my own, and mine alone. It is challenging to reign in on creativity. It is not a faucet that can be turned on and off at will. Creativity comes in rushes and may not come for a while after that. It is important to have a situation in which where those creative moments can be captured without distraction. It’s a manic state, almost. Sometimes, it means going all day, or all night, without rest. No food or water, no communication with the outside world, just pure working on the task at hand. Once you’ve gotten the song, or the product, it’s important to look at it objectively and try and edit any extraneous ideas, or build on the skeletal ones. Of course, I love the music I make. I make the music that I want to hear, so when I make a song, it has to strike me deeply. It has to resonate with me, otherwise it’s a waste.
How can I expect people to be passionate about something unless I am passionate about it? It is almost a competition with myself, to out-do or out-preform my last song. When I think about the songs, I don’t think about my peers or people doing things along the lines of what I do, although I am pretty unique in what I do. That uniqueness wasn’t intended. I didn’t set out to be different. I happened organically by processing all my influences. But, when I look at what I do, I view it as shooting for the stars. I want it to be considered classic and timeless. I want it to be legendary, not just an expression of a passing moment. Already from the time I’ve started this project to now, many people who made music have come and gone. It’s about continuing to fight. Continuing to build. Every day is important. Every song tells the story of my life up to that point.
* How do you approach your songwriting – does it start with a guitar riff that you build on? or more of a mood or feel you want to get across? Enlighten us!
I am at my heart, a guitar player. That is where I feel like I am best able to express myself. I hope that if anyone takes anything away from APL, it is the guitar playing and the feelings that I express through playing that instrument. For songwriting, it always starts on the guitar. Sometimes a mood or a feeling will spur a certain sound, but I am truly in love with the guitar. It just starts at one riff, and then I add, and I hear the whole thing in my head and I just try go get across the emotion in my playing.
Purple is power, and pride and strength, but it is also soft and warm
* The color purple comes up a lot in your work, its definitely a recurring theme for you – considering in spirituality purple and violet represent the future, the imagination and dreams, They inspire and enhance psychic ability and spiritual enlightenment, while, at the same time, keeping us grounded. Do you think that is relevant for you – or is there a different meaning for you?
I would say you are dead-on in your observation. I agree with all the things you said. There is another meaning I would add – Growing up in Manhattan, Kansas, the biggest thing was the Kansas State University. Everyone in town wore the school colors, which are purple and grey. Some of my earliest memories are people wearing purple, and wearing the color as a sense of pride and identity, like my dad. He graduated from Kansas State, and always wore school colors with pride. Everyone in the whole town did. It wasn’t until later in life, when I moved away, and grew up that I realized that purple is often considered a “feminine” color, or at the least, a non-masculine color that boys don’t really wear. But growing up, everyone wore purple. So it is a part of who I am, not for love of the college, but for the meaning and symbolism. Later still in life, especially when you get involved in punk rock, hardcore, and metal, things are really stark, Often visually represented with black and white. It was unappealing to me to just emulate even though I find that keeping traditions alive is crucial.
For all the reasons you mentioned, and in the music that I was making, purple just seemed to make sense. It’s not black metal, it is informed by black metal, but it’s not adhering to those guidelines of non-music i.e.; satanism, etc. I don’t worship Satan. So, to call it black, that would be disingenuous. Even though I believe in God, I am a flawed and desperate human being, so to say it’s white, that would be misrepresenting myself as well. Life and expression is more complicated than that. Purple Metal just makes sense. At first, yeah, a lot of people snickered at it – but then when they dig into the songs and the lyrics and the presentation, they see that it makes sense. Purple is power, and pride and strength, but it is also soft and warm. It is inviting and rich, but can also be intimidating and fearsome. It just fits perfectly.
* You were a punk rocker before you got into Black metal right? What punk bands did you rate back then?
Well, first of all, I still consider myself a punk rocker first and foremost. It is and will always be my first love. As my taste grew I was always sure never to forsake the things that originally made me excited for music. APL is really the culmination of all my years of obsessive music listening. You know, I could list out all the bands that were formative to me, but I would drive myself crazy thinking of bands and not wanting to leave any band out of the list! I’ll say that initially what drew me to punk rock and hardcore was Nirvana, and from there I discovered things like Black Flag, Sonic Youth, Fugazi, etc. After Nirvana, the bands that really changed my life were mostly the skate punk bands from Southern California in the early to mid 90s.
I was also really into the melodic hardcore bands from that era like Good Riddance, but quickly drifted into more aggressive hardcore. I have a tremendous love for straight edge Youth Crew hardcore as well as classic more “tough” hardcore. I still love and follow punk rock and hardcore to this day. I am really proud of my hardcore band Prison Suicide (also on CSR) and we have a second LP coming out this year. Prison Suicide are my best friends in the world and it’s great to play that kind of music with them, even though we have all played in other bands in the past together. It’s a great group of guys and I’m proud of what we are doing. I think our sound is kind of akin to a more angry, and less positive Youth of Today.
I also really think it’s important to note that so many of the “classic” bands didn’t just repeat themselves.
* What was the Black metal band that you finally heard and went “oh wow now I get it”
Bathory. Without a doubt. The greatest to ever do it. They have everything you could ever want or need. Their first six LPs are of course classic and blueprints for the genre, but I even love some of the later stuff. Requiem is a bizarre, weird thrash record. Totally worth listening too. Metal tends to be a genre where people fixate and get really stagnant. For example, I think Ozzy was the third best singer Black Sabbath ever had. I would much rather listen to any of the Dio records than the Ozzy records. The guitar playing on Mob Rules and Heaven and Hell is outstanding. I also am totally fascinated by Born Again, the record they did with Ian Gillan. I was turned onto it by the producer to recorded Aksumite’s Prideless Lions LP. I could talk forever about it. Even if you look at a band like Mayhem, they are really advancing sonically from album to album. Same with Celtic Frost, Mercyful Fate, etc. I enjoy staunch and stark black metal that adheres to the old traditions, but I also really think it’s important to note that so many of the “classic” bands didn’t just repeat themselves.
Funeral Mist, who push the boundaries in every way
* Are you pleased with the way Black Metal has progressed sonically since the days of Venom and Hellhammer? (to me artists like Ulver and Burzum really pushed what was “acceptable” and still called BM, especially Ulver)
Yes, and no. I think there is such beauty and power in those early Venom and Hellhammer records. Bathory, too. I sort of touched on this in the previous question, but it’s important to note that I am really a contrarian at heart. I really hate progressive rock, I always say I like regressive rock. Stuff that maintains and holds onto that raw spirit. Yet, I love when bands incorporate exciting elements, which is often labeled as “progressive” but I think it’s just influences manifesting in different ways. Voivod is one of my all time favorite bands, but I wouldn’t say they’re progressive… they’re Voivod. They create their own world. So, maybe in a sense, they have progressed from beyond the constraints of what we apply to the world of metal.
Black Metal will always be a hot button and a subject of debate as to what it is, and what it isn’t. I love it, but I have no interest in having that conversation. I get that many of the people integral to it’s creation are around and will say what it is, or isn’t – however, I think when you create as an artist, once you release it into the world, you no longer own it. I don’t mean it in a literal sense where you have no control over its sale and distribution, but I mean that it enters the collective consciousness and takes on a life of its own in the ears and hearts of those who take it in. Like, if you were to ask me who my favorite active black metal band is… I’d probably say Nifelheim. I love how steadfast and true they are, but I also might say Funeral Mist, who push the boundaries in every way. People who debate what something is or isn’t, are missing the point. The only thing that matters is if it is good, or bad.
People love to get on the internet and claim that APL isn’t black metal, or it isn’t post-metal, or it is, or it’s post-hardcore, or it’s whatever. It’s meaningless. APL is very obviously a metal band. Of course there are other influences that are apparent, but I like to think that I have unintentionally pushed the sonic palate of what is and isn’t metal. APL is metal. You can go on with descriptors from there, but it’s a pissing contest. APL belongs to the metal family tree, and from that tree many branches and vines grow. If you want something that is immovable and static, invest in a concrete block, don’t claim to be a part of a culture that is a living thing- to continue with the metal as a tree analogy. If you don’t like what you see growing, just stay on your little branch and shut up. Count yourself lucky to be a part of this amazing artistic expression that is music. You could be living in some third-world country, fighting for food to survive, clean water, and safety from war and the unforgiving force of mother nature. Instead, if you are reading this – just be happy and grateful you get to life a blessed existence and shut the fuck up about what does or doesn’t belong.
* Were you surprised by the fans reactions to your brilliant cover of Madonna’s “Live to tell?”
I was totally caught off guard. I didn’t know what to expect. The last thing I wanted was for it to seem like a gimmick. It came from a real place. I truly love Madonna. I grew up listening to The Immaculate Collection in the car with my mom for years. I am a huge Madonna fan. I was also really lucky to have Sigrid from Hammers of Misfortune play organ on that song. She and I were talking online about how metal bands only ever want to cover metal songs. Songs belong to the world. A good song can be re-interpreted in almost any style. Somehow, it came up that I wanted to do a Madonna song, and she was excited about it. It was a bit of a struggle to find a song that would fit well in the context of APL, but when I was listening though the Madonna catalog, I knew “Live to Tell” would be the one. I wanted to pick a song that was recognizable to people, a radio single. It would have been easy to pick an obscure album ballad that no one had context for and to re-work it.
As an extra bonus, Sigrid asked if her friend (and bandmate in Amber Asylum) Kris Force could sing on it. I was absolutely shocked. I am a huge fan of her work. She even played cello on Neurosis records! Neurosis is a top 5 band for me for sure. But her own work is amazing and totally genius. I felt like I was so early in my career to have two such amazing ladies jump on and take part in this fledgeling project at the time. It was an amazing cosign from those ladies, and people really liked the track. I feel like it comes across as sincere, and not some plea for attention or press. People recognize that. I am grateful to have really smart supporters. The people who listen to APL are from all walks of life and musical taste. It’s really great to have such a diverse and interesting supporter base. I am grateful for all of them.
* How did your partnership with Colloquial Sounds come about?
I started the label to release an Aksumite cassette and six years and 75 releases later, here we are. If I would have known this was going to happen, I would have picked a way better name. I hate the name! At least it abbreviates well. CSR sounds good.
* Its pretty much accepted practice now that the majority of people favor streaming as the most popular way to “consume” music, however in metal fields vinyl is still extremely popular and in Black Metal and Punk circles cassettes are thriving to. What is you preferred format for people to listen to APL on? What about you, yourself on music you rate? Lps?
So, this is also a great question. I make APL available on all formats for the reason that I don’t believe in being a format elitist. Of course, I have my own preferences for formats, and they change! Some stuff I love on CD only, some stuff on vinyl, some on cassette, etc. My goal is that no matter what your preference, physical or streaming/download – you can have access to APL’s music. My preferred format for people to listen to APL is whatever will give them the most comfort and insight to take in the music. I am of course a believer in paying for the music you love and enjoy, and I’m well aware that illegal downloading is a big part of the story and probably a big part of why many people know APL. If you pay for a streaming service, or buy a CD, cassette, or LP, that’s totally fine with me. You have access to APL. There is a larger conversation to be had about the “fairness” of how streaming services pay artists, but I find it’s best to just be grateful and make my stuff available in every outlet possible. APL isn’t exclusionary. It’s for anyone with the ears to hear, and the heart to listen.
All that moving and changing surroundings was really formative to me. I had to look inward for happiness.
* I am a great believer in certain locations (towns cities countries even) having an influence on artists? Where you born and raised in Grand Rapids Michigan? Can you tell us a bit about life there?
I am not from here, I am from Manhattan, Kansas. However, I think a massive part of who I am and how I see the world and operate comes from the fact that I moved around so much as a kid, because of my dad’s job. I lived in 6 or 7 states before hitting high school age. All that moving and changing surroundings was really formative to me. I had to look inward for happiness. As a result, I say that I’m from Kansas, but really I’m just as much a stranger there as anywhere. Life is fine here, it’s really the same as anywhere else. I don’t know if I’ll be here forever, but I can assure you that being here has no affect on my music. Everything for APL comes from within.
* What we can expect next from A Pregnant Light?
I never reveal my plans.
*Any final words?
I want to thank you and your readers. Join the Lilajugend.
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